When I was a girl, I was very timid. People took advantage of my giving and gullible nature. Frequently. I was always getting humiliated. My feelings hurt. It turned me into a very quiet, withdrawn person. I never went out, hung out with friends, never had a boyfriend. I was a loner, and when someone showered attention on me, I sapped it up like a sponge, opening myself to being hurt again.
Then, my family life went to shit. In an act of self-preservation, my mother left and alcoholic husband, and three children behind. I was 15 at the time, and I told her to go as I knew she was only staying behind because of us. So, my mother moved out, leaving her children with an alcoholic father. It was decision she feels guilty for this very day.
Being left with an alcoholic father made me grow up quickly. He would go off on his drunken tours, being gone for days at a time. I would maintain a house, cooking, cleaning, laundry, making sure my brothers went to school. I didn't live the life of a normal teenager. I became hard. Angry. Untrusting. I was in control of my life, and God forbid anyone try to take that away. I witnessed firsthand what happens to a woman who gives up control of her life for a man.
Fast forward to now. To say my past experiences have forever shaded my life would be an understatement. I'm not submissive in any aspect of my life (that very thing goes against everything of what a Good Mormon Girl should be). I don't back down from a confrontation. I won't be taken advantage of. I won't be played a fool.
Naturally, my personal relationships have suffered as a result.
I'm a master in the truest sense of the word. I didn't know how to give up control, and if I did, would I be willing to?
Not seriously entertaining this question, I've never delved into dominance and submission in terms of intimacy. The guy got his, I got mine, and the world lived happily every after. But even after having sex, I would lay there, feeling empty. Like eating a rice cake. It was something to do, but in the end, not very satisfying. Something was missing. Something big.
I started to tap into my dominance in the bedroom, and I enjoyed it for a short while, but in the end, it was just another facet of my life that I governed. Being large and in charge grows tedious, and I found myself just wanting to give up the reins in some area, even if was just for a short while.
Then, I met The Boy, who was as completely open to trying new things as I was. The more we communicated, the more open we became with our desires. My need to submit fell in line with his need to dominate. I found that I trusted him enough to want to give him control. That has never happened before.
The first time he tried to dominate, it was almost comical. There are different ways to approach it, and I guess we started off on the wrong one. It turns out, breaking my habit for complete control is like breaking the spirit of a wild animal. There are two ways to go about it. You can either strong-hand it into submission, or you can gain their trust and coax it out. It would appear that I fall into the latter category as a strong will is going to meet the business end of mine.
I want to submit everything to him. I want to please him. I want to make him happy. I want him to know that he is the planet that my moon rotates around...and in return, I just want to know that he's going to be my guardian for the time, recognize me for the Goddess I am. I want to be his little slut, and I want him secure in the knowledge that he's the only one I do it for. I want him to leave his mark on my body. The last time, it was his hand print on my chest where he held too on too tightly (fair-skinned people bruise easily) and I wore it like a brand. I was his, and he owned me. I want to worship him for the magnificent creature he is because I really think he has no idea.
I want him to own me, but not in a degrading way. I want it to be because we are both insanely eager to please each other. I want him to calmly and sweetly approach me like a wild gelding, with gentle kisses and caresses and soft words. And when he's won my trust, I want him to ride me hard in the manner I was made for. I want him to break me, but only because I want to be broken, and it pleases us both. And when we are finished, completely spent and out of breath, their will be no emptiness, but rather being full of the satisfaction that we have gone to the edge, and held nothing back.
Now that we have figured this out, we have yet to test the waters.
Someday soon, I hope.
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